It started as this weird sore feeling in my throat, the kind of feeling you have right before you cry, but I couldn't cry. I just felt terrible. I didn't know why I was sad either. I would laugh, and find things genuinely funny, but always was there this persistent soreness, this hurting, this sickness.
I used to like this song, "This Temporary Life" by Death Cab for Cutie because it can really describe the feeling of monotony. The idea of getting up every morning, doing the same things without any reason for it, the little things you do that indicate you have nothing better to do ("you make your bed as if you won't sleep again"). We can't be rockstars all our lives, and that means days after days. Brushing your teeth in the morning.
But I have found a deeper connection in this song recently. I moved to UC Berkeley about three weeks ago, August 21. I was full of fears and excitement, but one thing I did not fear was missing home. My mom and I are very independent of each other, and in the last weeks before we separated we barely saw each other. It did sadden me, when I noticed she would no longer leave my light on if I came in late, or ask where I was the next morning. But everything changes...I thought I would be okay without my boyfriend, who I saw so often sometimes I would feel stifled. I thought I might miss him some, and yeah okay I cried a lot at him before I left, but I could not have anticipated this feeling...the feeling that I am alone.
It came to me when I listened to this song, that that was what was hurting me inside. There is no one here I can tell my deepest secrets to. Or maybe there is, but I don't want to. I can't open up and let someone in. I am still clinging desperately to the strands of my old life, to my best friend Leyla, to my mom, to my boyfriend Matt.
So I listened to this song, and wept alone.
