Fags,

by which I mean cigarettes, are my topic of today.

I'm going to rant a bit. So what's new, right.

Most people (hopefully) understand why cigarettes suck. You know, the whole paying for an early death thing. The whole cancer thing, mouth rotting thing, children having asthma thing.

We've heard all of this. What brings me here today is a certain group of smokers- the anarcho-punk-rebel smokers. You know the type- they were the studded belts, black hoodies or black jean jackets, punk band patches on their arms, skinny pants. Cigarette in mouth.

I used to hang out with this crowd. I would mosh with them at punk house shows, go to protests, wear duct tape on my mouth, hell I even wore all black and studded belts and shit. I had my first and only cigarette from one of these friends.

Last night I went to Occupy Oakland, and I went with a group of similar minded folks. On the way to the BART, on the long march from the port to camp, they burned through cigarette after cigarette.

And with all the "Fuck corporations" "Fuck capitalism" it seemed almost laughable. Are you serious?

Now the list of hypocrisies by anti-corporation "anarchists" could go on forever, but many of them I think are somewhat excusable. Buying only locally made food and clothes is extremely costly in terms of both time and money, and turning to products of large corporations is sometimes the only option for people of lower incomes. You need food, you need clothes.

Cigarettes, however, are not only the products of large corporations; they are necessary and harmful products.

Nothing is a bigger example of how corporations can control people. Tobacco companies are so successful at manipulation they have convinced people to buy a product that is known to be harmful to themselves and others.

And yet anarchist after anarchist will smoke cig after cig, condemning corruption and greed and corporations.
Guess what? You are the bitch of those corporations.

Some people will say, I got addicted when I was young because of X family member or friend. Undoubtedly this is the case for some people.

But it is also definitely the case that it is part of the culture. Anarcho-punks complete their "rebel" look by having a smoking cig coming out of their mouth. Just like I had my first cigarette when a girl with a studded belt and dyed hair offered one to me, generations of punks will have started the same way.

So I'm begging of you, anarcho-punks. Ditch your arrogant belief that you are a human among sheep. If you smoke you are giving your money to corporation to die earlier and give young children breathing difficulties.

Be different. Rebel.

Next time your green mohawked friend whips out a cig bitchslap that shit right out of his mouth.

Apocalypse

Maybe this is obvious to everyone but me, maybe not. I just realized recently the implications of all the "zombie apocalypse" craze going around today.

Most popular part of MW2? The zombie mod. Popular movie theme? Post or impending apocalypse. Popular television theme? Survival in the wild.
On okcupid, many people list "the apocalypse" under "things I spend a lot of time thinking about". (yeah yeah I have an okcupid, what of it? I'll tell you more later...)

I'm taking a class here at lovely Cal Berkeley called Global Poverty and Practice. It is taught by world famous Ananya Roy who is possibly the most beautiful woman in the history of ever. Smart, witty, and her voice is just...let's just say her lecture is an hour and a half, at that dreaded post lunch 2-3:30pm time, and I've never fallen asleep. HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT.

But I digress. In this class we learn about why poverty happens and why it still exists. One at a time the problems with today's world are revealed to me, and I've found that the root of all evil just goes deeper and deeper...
One goal for the millenium (heard of the MDGs? you should) involved increasing foreign aid spending to .7% of GDP in developed countries. The US, however, was at .22% of GDP in 2005. We can't even afford 1%.
This, I thought to myself, this is the root of our problems. We should donate more.

But is aid the solution? The majority of our aid goes to countries that then use it to buy weapons from us...how philanthropic.
The other problem with aid is it simply is not a solution. Sure, we don't give much at all. But private investors do, and not much progress has been made. Sub-saharan Africa is still very poor, Somalia is in a food crisis. We are all aware of this, but we don't change the game plan.
If Ethiopia were to increase its GDP by 1%, the money it would bring in would be 5x the aid it receives every year.
Many developmental theorists similiarly believe that "trade, not aid" is the solution.

Ah, but here is another problem. You see, the Bretton Woods Regime circa 1944 brought about neocolonialism. The US representative in the WTO, Robert Zoellick, once said in reference to developing country's markets "We are going to keep opening up markets one way or another". Repeatedly we pressure developing countries to make their markets "free", and yet in the US our agriculture is heavily subsidized. They can't win in this game, because only they play by the rules.

Now combine all that with companies like Monsanto benefiting from the WTO's awesome Trade Related Intellectual Property Rights (TRIPs), and we've got ourselves a nice little nightmare.

Okay, so what does this have to do with our apocalypse craze. Well, maybe at this point it's obvious. People today know our world has problems, we're confronted with them everyday on the front of newspapers, all over the internet, or by people who come up to you with clipboards or flyers wanting you to save the whales.
I believe people are also becoming knowledgeable enough to know that these problems can't be fixed at their surface. We have a garbage patch the size of Texas in the middle of the Pacific, and it's got a sister in the Atlantic. Even if we could airlift it all out (we couldn't), the problem remains that we trash our ocean.
Our problems come from deep within the system. And that's why we want the apocalypse.
Our animal side misses the days of every man for himself. We miss the wilderness. We miss simplicity, and fewer choices, and the adrenaline of fighting to live.
And, on top of it all, we absolutely hate the system.
We want to see it all tumble down, and start over again.

I for one do believe that if the world could be shook up in a way that every person was transplanted somewhere radically different, maybe we could suddenly see each other for once on a level playing field.
I would love to see the rich white politician transplanted to sub-Saharan Africa, to see him try and reclaim his meaningless authority. "But I'm a state senator!" But can you survive?
You see, I believe the problems go even deeper than the unfair institutions we've created. It's not just that those people are evil, or some people are apathetic- it is that we don't see all men and women as equal.

We watched a documentary about developmental capitalism called "New Recruits". College grads sign up with a company called Acumen to sell "affordable, much-needed" products in third world countries. It's philanthropy without hand-outs.
The problem was these products weren't affordable at all. For people that make under a dollar a day, 12 dollars is equivalent to $960. Very, very, very few people would pay $960 up front for any product here in the US. Especially if it wasn't reliable, which these lights were not.
For a $960 product we would make a down payment, and then monthly payments. The company would trust us, and we would trust the company to give us help if it didn't work and even our money back if it broke. The company would seek our feedback to improve their product.
All these elements were missing.

These impoverished people were expected to pay up front for this product with (0) reviews, from a company that will not come back and visit to check and see how it works. A Yale grad sent to sell a drip water system became frustrated that the farmers wouldn't buy it, and blamed it on their incomprehension of the money they'd save. He made up charts that they could fill in, do math, and figure out how much money they'd save.

Seriously? Is that a selling technique, or math homework?

He couldn't resist trying to educate them. Why? Because he saw them as lesser than himself.

But he's not the only one.

The whole global community views each other through cracked, painted, warped, clouded lenses.
Thomas Friedman talks about a level playing field, that "The World is Flat" but he is so blind. This world is built from the botttom up- from the bottom of our souls to the perception in our minds to the actions in our fingers.
Our souls are impeccable. It is our perceptions of each other that keep this world unfair.

FUCK MICHELE BACHMANN (Common sentiment? I hope so.)

Here's the thing: People underestimate the impact of their actions.

I have come to believe this, because if I don't believe this, I must face this horrifying, overwhelming idea that some people are just evil.

Now, I could list some examples of people who underestimate their actions, and the list would contain tons of politicians, corporate bigdogs, and bad parents, but that's for another time. My rage tonight is against Michele Bachmann.

I am terrified of her potential. Her words get much attention from the right and left alike and she is, after all, a presidential hopeful. I fear that people will hear her lies, or ambiguous fear mongering speech, and never hear the people who call her out on it.

I'm afraid she will never be held accountable for her actions, the impact of which she cannot possibly know.

Enough being vague; what brought me here tonight are her recent statements about the HPV Vaccine. Now, I'm not going to defend Governer Rick Perry for what he did. In fact, I also would critique it.

He should not have passed an executive order requiring girls the age of twelve to be vaccinated against HPV- he should have presented the bill to the legislature. It does look very suspicious that Merck gave him money for his campaign (although it was $5000 out of $30 million). I don't know whether he was bought or not, but I think he should have declined that contribution if he was going to try and pass this bill as a matter of principle.

If I were a Republican candidate, I would say these things. I would probably lose, because no one these days are principled or "plays fair", but enough cynicism... What I'm trying to say is that is enough. That is the truth, and telling the truth is a sign of responsibility. What is not responsible is twisting the truth to serve your own purposes, and telling dangerous lies. 

Michele Bachmann has called this vaccine "potentially dangerous" now several times, saying Perry put the lives of twelve year old girls in jeopardy. Yesterday she crossed another line. 

“I will tell you that I had a mother last night come up to me here in Tampa, Fla., after the debate,” Bachmann explained. “She told me that her little daughter took that vaccine, that injection, and she suffered from mental retardation thereafter. The mother was crying when she came up to me last night. I didn’t know who she was before the debate. This is the very real concern and people have to draw their own conclusions.” http://www.mediaite.com/tv/doubling-down-michele-bachmann-claims-hpv-vaccine-causes-mental-retardation/

Human papillomavirus is, thanks to this vaccine, almost fully preventable- and yet unprevented it can lead to cervical cancer. Reports estimate 6 million people are infected with HPV every year, and 4000 women die from cervical cancer. http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/richard-adams-blog/2011/sep/14/michele-bachmann-republicans-hpv-vaccine

This vaccine has been administered widely, and tested thoroughly. I've taken this vaccine- many girls around my age are strongly encouraged to. 

Here's the thing: This vaccine could save my life, and the life of many many others. 

But Michele Bachman repeats this story of a woman who claims the vaccine caused her daughter's mental incapacity. She mongers fear in order to sell her story, a story which doesn't even need to be further sold! 

She's gone from making a case against Rick Perry to making one against a vaccine that protects women from cancer. She's gone from politics to medicine. 

I am so afraid that people will listen to her. I am so afraid that there will be people who think, "Maybe I shouldn't vaccinate my daughter, I heard it's potentially dangerous..." 

No one has said this but Bachmann. 

It's so ironic, too, that here she is trying to make out Perry to look like he was trying to hurt America's youth when she is the one doing the most harm. His bill had an opt out system, after all, but fear has no opt out system. Lies cannot be unheard. 

So tonight I say, fuck you Michele Bachmann. Maybe you are unaware of the impact of your words; but that's a poor excuse for someone trying to be the President of the United States of America. 

Maybe you are just evil. 

symmetry

How funny. I completely forgot about this blog- as you may have noticed. (haha...."you" being the absent universe) But I have recently really wanted a place to spill my feelings without anyone actually seeing them that I know.

I rediscovered this trying to make a new blog, and I find it really funny that my last post was in the beginning of my freshmen year of college, and this post is almost exactly a year later- the beginning of my sophomore year.

Matt and I broke up. A week into his first year at UCSC he calls me and says, "We need to take a break." I hold the phone away from me and freak out a little bit, but I gain control (okay not really) and say "Why?" "*some bullshit that I don't remember, and* I made out with another girl". It was pretty messy, especially since he followed up with an email saying he had felt misunderstood since he was rejected from everywhere and went to UCSC, and now he was amongst people who understand him. He was upset with me for getting into Berkeley and he made out with this girl purposely to spite me.

At one point we were texting back and forth and it ended with him saying something nasty and me saying fuck you.

Yeah, it was messy.

But it's over, and I'm pretty much over it. I dropped his shit off at his place and got my shit back from his Dad and younger bro, who are incredibly nice and I don't think they have a clue how much their bastard family member has hurt me. I still haven't told my mom...

Now I'm in my sophomore year. I'm living in an apartment with five people, all in Cal Band. Fun, awesome people. Busy people, and highly motivated. I'm taking Bio, Oceanography, Physics, Global Poverty, Ballet, and Intermediate Scuba Diving. I started a WiSE club but it hasn't really gone anywhere (poor leadership) and I'm trying out for Raijin Taiko.

Enough listing, let me get to the point:
I'm fucking depressed.

My friend told me this summer about her depression, and I was an asshole. I listened to her, but I couldn't help thinking "why don't you do something? you just need to be more busy, or exercise, or ______" I thought I had all the answers.
I didn't know that you could just have this sadness lurking inside you, without any clue what exactly it's stemming from, that rises up in you at random times, you're so close to falling apart without any good reason...and exercising doesn't help. Nor does keeping busy. Sure, it might put the pain on pause- but afterwards, it just comes right back again.
I told my mom I was sad and I didn't know why and she said "Yes you do, why are you sad?" I repeated that I didn't know, and she said "It's the house". We're remodeling our house to sell...my mom got a job in Los Angeles and is moving there. Meanwhile our house, the one I've lived in for thirteen years, will be either sold or rented out.
I did start crying and I think she was right, partly anyway. However I know another thing that gets me down that she did not guess, is this diet thing. Over the summer my mom told me that I had gained weight in college. I got upset, and she said that I could go on this diet my friend did if I wanted, and I agreed. You eat six 100 calorie diet cookies a day, and then a meal that had strict guidelines.
I lost about 12-14 pounds. But it stopped. I haven't lost any weight in a while. I'm starving right now, but I'm not losing weight. And my mom asks, how is the diet going? My dad asks, how is the diet going? My grandma says, I'm so proud of you for doing this. Sorry to let you all down.
But fuck, you are really letting me down. In my freshmen year at Berkeley I took a class called "Female Sexuality", and it taught me self-love, and goddammit I can't remember that lesson because I try, but I can't hear the voices saying "You're beautiful" anymore. I just look in the mirror and think "You're fat".
So those expensive diet cookies sit in my room making me feel guilty for the waste of money, meanwhile I'm debating: self-love or the approval of my family?
I'm depressed.
It might be because I'm surrounded by people who don't need me, not at all. It's weird that I didn't know that until just now- I just wrote that with my hands, read the sentence and thought "oh my god that's it". Sure, I'm sad that I was rejected from a bunch of things. I'm sad I'm not in a group. I'm sad about the house and the diet. But this is the clincher...no one needs me here.
That's why I get the urge to run away, to leave and just go....I don't know what I'm doing anymore. And this sadness makes me horrible to be around, I feel myself being boring/awkward/a downer.
I've never actually taken Karma seriously, but this feels like karma for not taking my friend's depression seriously. Now I think maybe I ought to ask her if what I'm feeling sounds familiar.
Well it's the beginning of another year. So here's to that.