symmetry

How funny. I completely forgot about this blog- as you may have noticed. (haha...."you" being the absent universe) But I have recently really wanted a place to spill my feelings without anyone actually seeing them that I know.

I rediscovered this trying to make a new blog, and I find it really funny that my last post was in the beginning of my freshmen year of college, and this post is almost exactly a year later- the beginning of my sophomore year.

Matt and I broke up. A week into his first year at UCSC he calls me and says, "We need to take a break." I hold the phone away from me and freak out a little bit, but I gain control (okay not really) and say "Why?" "*some bullshit that I don't remember, and* I made out with another girl". It was pretty messy, especially since he followed up with an email saying he had felt misunderstood since he was rejected from everywhere and went to UCSC, and now he was amongst people who understand him. He was upset with me for getting into Berkeley and he made out with this girl purposely to spite me.

At one point we were texting back and forth and it ended with him saying something nasty and me saying fuck you.

Yeah, it was messy.

But it's over, and I'm pretty much over it. I dropped his shit off at his place and got my shit back from his Dad and younger bro, who are incredibly nice and I don't think they have a clue how much their bastard family member has hurt me. I still haven't told my mom...

Now I'm in my sophomore year. I'm living in an apartment with five people, all in Cal Band. Fun, awesome people. Busy people, and highly motivated. I'm taking Bio, Oceanography, Physics, Global Poverty, Ballet, and Intermediate Scuba Diving. I started a WiSE club but it hasn't really gone anywhere (poor leadership) and I'm trying out for Raijin Taiko.

Enough listing, let me get to the point:
I'm fucking depressed.

My friend told me this summer about her depression, and I was an asshole. I listened to her, but I couldn't help thinking "why don't you do something? you just need to be more busy, or exercise, or ______" I thought I had all the answers.
I didn't know that you could just have this sadness lurking inside you, without any clue what exactly it's stemming from, that rises up in you at random times, you're so close to falling apart without any good reason...and exercising doesn't help. Nor does keeping busy. Sure, it might put the pain on pause- but afterwards, it just comes right back again.
I told my mom I was sad and I didn't know why and she said "Yes you do, why are you sad?" I repeated that I didn't know, and she said "It's the house". We're remodeling our house to sell...my mom got a job in Los Angeles and is moving there. Meanwhile our house, the one I've lived in for thirteen years, will be either sold or rented out.
I did start crying and I think she was right, partly anyway. However I know another thing that gets me down that she did not guess, is this diet thing. Over the summer my mom told me that I had gained weight in college. I got upset, and she said that I could go on this diet my friend did if I wanted, and I agreed. You eat six 100 calorie diet cookies a day, and then a meal that had strict guidelines.
I lost about 12-14 pounds. But it stopped. I haven't lost any weight in a while. I'm starving right now, but I'm not losing weight. And my mom asks, how is the diet going? My dad asks, how is the diet going? My grandma says, I'm so proud of you for doing this. Sorry to let you all down.
But fuck, you are really letting me down. In my freshmen year at Berkeley I took a class called "Female Sexuality", and it taught me self-love, and goddammit I can't remember that lesson because I try, but I can't hear the voices saying "You're beautiful" anymore. I just look in the mirror and think "You're fat".
So those expensive diet cookies sit in my room making me feel guilty for the waste of money, meanwhile I'm debating: self-love or the approval of my family?
I'm depressed.
It might be because I'm surrounded by people who don't need me, not at all. It's weird that I didn't know that until just now- I just wrote that with my hands, read the sentence and thought "oh my god that's it". Sure, I'm sad that I was rejected from a bunch of things. I'm sad I'm not in a group. I'm sad about the house and the diet. But this is the clincher...no one needs me here.
That's why I get the urge to run away, to leave and just go....I don't know what I'm doing anymore. And this sadness makes me horrible to be around, I feel myself being boring/awkward/a downer.
I've never actually taken Karma seriously, but this feels like karma for not taking my friend's depression seriously. Now I think maybe I ought to ask her if what I'm feeling sounds familiar.
Well it's the beginning of another year. So here's to that.