voices

I live in a space that is themed LGBTQQIAA. I was first placed here somewhat randomly at first; I mean I ranked the different houses I was applying to but ultimately the fact that I ended up at this one was just chance. I loved the first summer I lived here. The people were amazing, welcoming- I felt like I had a new family. When I came into the co-op I thought to myself, finally a chance to really understand my sexuality.

All that I know for sure about myself is that I am almost hyper sexual. I think about it all the time.
What I don't know is what genders I'm attracted to, or what I really get out of sex. I don't know a lot about myself in this area, to be sure.
And when I lived here over the summer, the people were okay with that. They were okay with me crushing on a girl and sleeping with guys. They supported me and all my confusion.

Now I live here again, in the spring. And there are twice as many people and a very different vibe, I think. There's still my old family, but they aren't as close knit- they're busy with school and spread out through the house, diluted with new faces. Not like I don't like the new people, I just don't feel so close with them.

And suddenly I'm not myself anymore. I feel afraid to be myself.

Am I just another girl who wants to "try" girls?

My roommate is a lesbian and expresses frustration at these girls, and I wonder if she feels like I'm a fake.

I didn't tell her what my sexuality was but she assumed straight, and then one day we looked at each other's okcupid profiles and she saw that I listed myself as bisexual. I don't feel like it's a lie. But I'm so nervous about girls...they're so much sharper, so much more sympathetic.

I don't want to accidentally hurt a girl's feelings- while I'm accustomed to hurting guy's feelings. I know that's messed up but that's just how I turned out.

Why is it bad if I am curious? Why is bad if I'm trying to figure myself out?

There's a lot of people here trying to figure out their identity in terms of gender, names, etc, but for some reason I feel like my identity crisis is not accepted.

So I stay in the closet, in a queer house. The irony literally kills me.

And in the meantime I get treated like an outsider as a straight person. When I walk into rooms that are having conversations about the intersectionality of class, race, sexuality and gender I feel the conversation stumble. I feel the lack of eye contact.

I guess I get it...I mean, how much can I say about being queer and how it intersects with other things if I am "straight"?
I guess.

I made a formal complaint about it in our anonymous house forum, about how I felt like as an ally my voice was valued less in conversations. While one ally totally agreed with this statement, I walked in on someone talking about it...

"It's not that I don't think they should be in the conversations, it's just like...they aren't made for them, you know?"

The wording's not exact, but the implication was, ally's don't have a voice in those conversations.

I feel like a second rate citizen. More irony in a queer house.

I'm angry that people assume that I'm straight. I'm angry that I don't have the courage to say that I don't think I am. I'm angry that there's such a stigma about a girl exploring her sexuality.
I'm angry that my voice is valued less in my own house.

But I don't have the courage to say anything out loud.